Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Days after...

After the D&C I came home to a wonderful family awaiting my arrival. I was kinda out of it since I had lost 1 1/2 liter of blood from everything. I was told I had to rest and just take it slow. Since I lost so much blood getting up from sitting or laying down was CRAZY. I felt as if my heart was going to come out of my head thats how bad it was. I was weak and just felt blah. I had to be on pills thru out the 24 hours to stop the contracting and the bleeding. The day after everything was Easter and boy did I want to be at church. My family said it just wasn't time for me to leave the house so I just stayed home. I wanted to praise & worship my Lord & Savior. I wanted to cry my heart out. I wanted prayer. I wanted my baby. I wanted my belly and everything else back to normal. It was so hard to see myself still pregnant. I still had a little bump and the tenderness. My nights where horrible. My nights where when I just broke down and held my belly knowing that once I had a special little one in there. (wow this is hard to write) I wanted my morning sickness back. I wanted everything back. My mom had bought a book from Joel Olsteen that came with a worship CD. One night we went to Walmart and on the way we put it on. How did I know that song had "It is Well With My Soul?" When it started to play I just cried knowing that the Lord was telling me the day I found out my baby's heart stopped that "it is well." So this song has a really big part in my life. Trying to cope with others pregnancy, babies, etc... has been hard since that very day. I pray each day that the Lord will heal my wounds. He has already started since. I thank you Lord Jesus for each and everyday you have given me and I also thank you for blessing me with a baby for the short time. As I saw the family off to there destinations was very hard. I felt alone knowing my hubby works 6 days a week with long hours. I started working and since then its been easier for me to be out of the house and not let it get to me too much. I do struggle don't get me wrong. I still miss my baby everyday. As I pondered a name for my baby I came up with Nehemiah since its in God's Word. It means "comforted by God" and I felt that it fit him. Even though I did not know if it was a boy or girl in my "mother intuition" I felt a boy! WE LOVE YOU NEHEMIAH and know that you are rejoicing with our Heavenly Father in Heaven.

No comments: