Friday, September 19, 2008

The day I will never forget

Morning sickness had stopped around my 8th week but I thought to myself im sure it comes and goes. I knew on the 21st of March I would be seeing my midwife anyway and I would let her know. I was excited to be able to hear our baby's heartbeat on the doppler. I also had my cousin, grandma, aunt and lil cousin coming for Easter weekend. I went in early for my appointment and talked to a few ladies in the waiting room as we waited for our midwife that was in the delivery room. I waited patiently and just read some magazines. After about 30 minutes my midwife back and called me into her room. She asked me all the questions and had me lay on the bed. I asked her if I could record her as she did the doppler and she said "sure." As I layed there she couldn't find the heartbeat. She just kept telling me she could only hear mine. At that moment I knew something was wrong. I layed there numb. She asked me to turn off my camera and lay there till her u/s machine came on. She put her hand on my thigh and told me to say a little prayer. I couldn't I was numb I didn't know what to do. My hubby wasn't around and all I wanted to do was scream. As she rubbed the warm jelly over my tummy she said "Im sorry but your baby didn't make it" she then said "It looks as if the baby is only 8w and your actually supposed to be 11w5d." I just cried. I wanted my mom and my hubby. She hugged me and had me wait in the room while she grabbed one of the drs on the floor. The dr came in and gave her opinion which was the same as my midwife. As I lay there putting my pants back on I just couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. I remember hearing the hymn in my head "It is well, It is well with my soul." As I stood up she had me call my husband and of all days I couldn't get ahold of him. I called my mom and told her and she was so positive for me (Thank you Mom) I then called a friend so that she could get ahold of my husband and as I was leaving a message my husband was calling back. I still remember the words to him when I clicked over. I told him "Babe our baby died" all he kept saying was "what" I told him to meet me in L&D so that the dr could go over a few things. They sat me in another room which was another drs office. I sat there and cried while I waited for my husband. I felt so alone, so angry, so out of it. I didn't want it to be this way. This was our baby that we have been waiting for for years. When my husband walked in I just ran up and hugged him and we cried together. The dr came in and gave us 3 options 1. D&C 2. take some pills to start the process or 3. miscarry on my own. I sat there and looked at my husband and we just asked for some time to think about it. I went ahead with the pills and she said just to call if I have any questions or problems.


AmandaHoyt said...

I've read all of your blog so far, Mel, and I'm in tears, of course. Our experiences are so similar - I'm so glad the Lord brought us together as friends.
In loving memory of our babies, Nehemiah (3/22/08) and Noah (3/26/08).

Hugs, prayers and baby dust,

The Petersons said...

Oh, my heart breaks for you in this moment. I have not yet experienced a pregnancy in my year of TTC. I haven't even had a false positive or chemical pregnancy. But to imagine, after so much time of trying, losing the baby I felt like God had finally given me! I know there are times when it must still hurt, but also realize how much of a testimony God has now provided you with! 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."