Some thoughts...

I know I haven't blogged in a few days but my heart seems to be "blah." Seems im a little distorted I guess you can say... I have been thinking alot and being in prayer and feeling anxious about several things.

::Today is the day that Stellan will be born and I will praise Him and Rejoice for the MckMamma Family and pray that the Lord will give Stellan a strong heart and that he will be healed in Jesus Name. Amen!

::There is something that I am waiting for but I can't place it on here but I am waiting patiently (no its not a + pregnancy test... I mean I do want one don't get me wrong but this is something else) I will let ya know laters... Just say a little prayer that the Lord will open or close the door!

::Yesterday was our 10th year anniversary of us being together. Which means the day he came home from Korea due to the military and we met! Soooo awesome....

::I am going to start charting my cycles, etc....

::At church my pastor's sermon has been about Grace. This is something I am really having a hard time with but in time I will be able to know about His grace.

::I am trying to let go of jealousy, bitterness, and disgrace in my heart.

::My devotion this morning was in Isaiah 54:1 and a few other verses in Isaiah but this is the main one that spoke to me and I hope it speaks to others as well.

Sing, O barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband," says the LORD.


Lord you are my Redeemer and I love you!

I Will Lift My Eyes

This morning as I woke up I put on the my Christian radio station and the song was by Bebo Norman -- "I Will Lift My Eyes" and as I heard it its exactly what I needed to hear.... The lyrics explain it all:

God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs you now God be near, calm my fear And take my doubt Your kindness is what pulls me up Your love is all that draws me in Chorus:I will lift my eyes to the Maker Of the mountains I can’t climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer Of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer Of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You God, my God, let Mercy sing Her melody over me God, right here all I bring Is all of me Your kindness is what pulls me up Your love is all that draws me in Chorus:‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever The Lover I need to save me ‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God So hold me now

Just by listening to this song this morning the Lord is showing me that he is truly near, that He is helping me calm my fears of everything in my life, that He is helping me stop doubting, I will lift my eyes to the Maker because the mountains that come in my life I can not climb without HIM!!!! He is my Healer and He will take the hurt I have inside... And the rest just self explains itself...

I thank my Lord, my Maker, my Healer, my God, His Mercy, His Kindness, and The Love He gives.... He will hold my heart together even when if feels as its crumbling inside....

I love you Lord!

Wow already 7 months...

As I drove past a sign that pops up the date and time I realized that its 10-22 which is 7 months since I miscarried my precious little angel... I still remember that day like it was just yesterday. The dream that was shattered but with God I can move on and keep dreaming and claiming in His name that one day I will be able to feel the joy of morning sickness again, the kicking that I didn't get to feel with Nehemiah, the growth of my belly, and the first cry out of our precious baby the Lord will bring us one day. I have learned that this is a growing period of my life that He wants to strengthen my walk with Him. Ever since the loss of Nehemiah I won't lie but I have felt as if I've fallen away from my walk with the Lord, but I have realized that the more I fall away the worse I will get. I am fasting coffee & any soda for 40 days and going to Him every morning. Today is my 3rd day and I feel so uplifted. As I remember a few days ago this scripture was said either on the Christian radio or an email or somewhere and it spoke to me.

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:20-21

I will stand in my faith, trust, put on my armor of God and MOVE ON!

Priceless...

Ok so tell me if this pic is priceless OR what??? So this is King our pitbull... Yes we have a pitbull and no he is NOT aggresive! He is a good puppy and well he was only about 2 months here. He is now 4 1/2 months and is about 45 lbs. so this pic is of us when I was driving to puppy socialization classes and he only wanted to sit behind me. LOL he is a pain... He is my baby boy though...

Priceless....

P.S. don't look at my white arm! LOL

Still....

I am still feeling down... Thanks to all of you who have left me an encouraging message... I truly appreciate them all... Today I actually counted how many pregnant ladies and how many newborns I saw. 4 pregnant ladies and 2 beautiful newborns... The JOY that each mother had on their faces and I am sure the look they saw from my face wasn't very pretty as I want to be happy for them. I feel as if I can't control these emotions that run thru my head. Sometimes I wonder if people watch my face when im places and see pregnant ladies or newborns...

Lord forgive me! Ahhhh its that rollercoaster feeling again and also the feeling of walking away little by little from my walk with my Lord & Savior.

Please keep me in your prayers.

The pill IS working!

So I have been on Provera for 13 days today and I am supposed to finish taking them on the 14th day which would be tomorrow and well I just received my monthly 2 days early. I spoke to the nurse and she thinks its okay for me to get it a few days early and says that its a good thing that the pills are helping me regulate! I was hoping for it NOT to come and have a BFP (Big Fat Positive) test on Sunday but well it's not His timing... Maybe im feeling a little down because of my hormones...

I will praise Him for allowing this pill to help me regulate and hopefully get a BFP in the next couple of months...

When will I find peace and joy?

It's been almost 7 months now since my angel baby has went to Heaven. In my heart I feel so empty with words especially when I know that I should be in prayer. Why do I feel so down? Why do I feel happy at times and then something or someone just brings me down again? Why do I let me feelings get hurt so bad? Why does someone elses pregnancy hurt me? Why can I just be happy for them? I am so lost with words.... Sometimes I sit and wonder if I will ever find peace and joy for others...

I guess this comes with time of grieving after a miscarriage.... I know im not alone but I do feel alone...

Lord please help me get out of this cloud that seems to creep up to me everytime I feel as if all is well BOOM something or someone says irritates the crap out of me... I know im not perfect, I have feelings and emotions because im only human, but Lord please help me. I don't want to hurt any longer I just want to be happy.... I leave all of this in your hands!

Ok I vented!